COLOMBO – Sunday, very few people across the world were devastated to learn that former Australian cricket captain Ian Chappell was in intensive care, having consumed toxic amounts of Humble Pie.
Chappell, 67, was reported to have gorged upon the pie – an Australian specialty – having spent most of Saturday mindlessly lambasting anything and everything to do with Pakistani cricket. Sri Lankan media are reporting that Chappell was so humbled, embarrassed and ashamed by Australia’s four-wicket defeat to Pakistan, that he literally choked on his own words.
Observers noted that despite usually just being regarded a myopic and biased commentator, during Saturday’s match he elevated his odiousness to new heights, as he went on a rampage which offended many Pakistani listeners.
“After Sydney and the associated match-fixing allegations, Ricky Ponting will be keen to set the record straight,” asserted Chappell, as the current-but-not-for-much-longer Australian captain strode out to the crease. When Ponting was dismissed for a scratchy 19, the eldest Chappell brother struggled to keep his lamb curry down, which he later complained was “too spicy – they can never get things right in this part of the world.”
Roshan Liyanage, 25, was working room service at Colombo’s Hilton Hotel on Saturday night. He noted: “Mr Chappell ordered a family-sized Humble Pie at around 10pm. I delivered it to his room, assuming that he had a team of self-loathing Australian commentators to feed…but I was shocked when I realised he wanted to eat the whole damn pie by himself! I tried to warn him of the potential side-effects, but he slammed the door in my face. I came back to his room in an hour, but Mr Chappell didn’t answer – I knew what had happened.”
Humble Pie is renowned as a quasi-herbal alternative to aid those reluctantly seeking self-reflection, in an often futile attempt to kid oneself into thinking that they aren’t arrogant, self-righteous pricks. Along with Ian Chappell, both Ricky Ponting and Harbhajan Singh are high-profile failures of Humble Pie in cricket. Despite a lack of research, it is thought that prolonged consumption of Humble Pie can lead to losing grip with reality, hyper-arrogance and pretentiousness – witness Kevin Pietersen.
Earlier in the day, it was apparent to viewers that Mr Chappell was suffering from convulsions at each Australian wicket to fall, becoming increasingly bitter at each Pakistani celebration. His ICU patient notes add: “The patient became especially apoplectic with Shahid Afridi took a wicket and held his arms aloft, whereas he really should have been focusing his bitterness on Steve Smith’s incompetent shot.”
Dr Chamara Fernando, a trauma surgeon at Colombo’s Asiri Hospital, explained Chappell’s situation: “Many Australian cricketers have had their fair share of Humble Pie in recent times, but Mr Chappell ingested potentially lethal amounts, not seen since the days of Tony Greig’s infamous ‘We’ll make ‘em grovel’ speech.”
Dr Fernando added: “Mr Chappell is currently conscious, but incoherent – Channel 9 producers told me that this was the news they had been hoping for.”